Full Circle: The Old Becomes New Again

So... I went to an audition recently. Like a real, dance audition for the first time since I was in college. The first time in this century, if you will. It actually took place a couple of days before the Rockford Marathon but it's taken me over a week to process the fact that I had the nerve to go there and try out for an actual local modern dance company.

I didn't tell very many people i was going. Really because I was trying to be nonchalant about it and I knew the second people started wishing me luck it would turn into a "big deal" and I'd get nervous. So I kept it pretty much a secret and went in there and did my thing and left.

Gratuitous mirror photo beforehand.

I didn't have any expectation that I would be the person chosen to join the company. This was more about me putting myself out there, challenging myself, and beginning to wedge my foot in the door to the Milwaukee dance scene. There were lots of emotions involved. Feelings and stuff.

I wore a bib number that wasn't at a race!

I'm happy with how I performed overall. I picked up the choreography they taught very quickly and was able to execute it well for the most part.  They taught FAST and it was exciting to learn something under pressure. My strong point has always been performance quality so I feel like I did well. We also had to do some improvisation in small groups, which was scary since I haven't done that in years and years and I didn't know anyone else there like a lot of the other girls auditioning seemed to. I tried to connect with the people in my group but this was definitely a weak point for me. Instead of pushing to stand out I know that I was blending in. I missed my homies from the Dance Center at Columbia something fierce.

Old School. Not nearly enough photos from back then. 

I wasn't surprised to find out I didn't get it. But I'm also proud of myself for not chickening out and making excuses: "I'm too old, not enough experience, too many years away from dancing, etc..."  If anything it's given me the motivation to improve my dancing and try again the next time a performance opportunity arises- either with this company or elsewhere. I'm already filling my summer schedule with technique classes and a choreography workshops. Now that I know where I stand and what I need to work on I feel like it's something within my reach.

(NOT the audition! They used this photo of me from class in a recent email about the summer session.)

Rockford Bonkathon- I mean MARATHON- Race Report

(A little copy/paste from Dailymile.)

Hooo boy. This was my third year in a row running the Rockford Marathon and it was... interesting. Temperatures hit 88 degrees by the end and I could FEEL it with every inch of my body- as evidenced by my time being more than 25 minutes slower than anticipated! I was *pretty* sure by the 10K point that a sub-3:56 PR wasn't happening, and by mile 10 it was a clear fact. Despite the fact that I held an 8:55 pace all the way to mile 13 (my half marathon time was 1:55, just as planned). I just knew it wasn't in the cards. It was so unbelievably hot that I never settled into a pace that felt good and easy on my body. It. Was. Work. The whole dang time. 

After we split with the half marathoners at 13, I thought maybe, just maybe if the heavens aligned and I caught some pixie dust from a unicorn horn that I *might* eek out a sub-4. But by mile 15 I was eyeing the ambulances at the aid stations longingly. I pictured myself bailing and catching a ride an an air conditioned vehicle back to the start and I really, really wanted it. I can't even tell you how bad.

So I said thought to myself then: Can I really NOT cover the distance? Or am I just being crabby because I can't cover the distance in the time I set out to do? 

And the answer was the latter. So I took a walk break. And started run/walking. And stopping at every aid station to guzzle fluids like a fish. It seemed from the runners around me that this was a popular decision! And you know, once I made peace with this decision I was surprisingly ok with it. I didn't beat myself up about it. I knew I would complete the race.

I think this was the most physically miserable I've ever been in a race. But my spirits were high. I chatted with another girl who was in the same boat as me and we commiserated a bit as we walked up a neverending incline with the sun beating down directly overhead. 

The most amusing part for me was slogging along alone past the mile 24 marker EXACTLY when the clock ticked past 3:56:02 (my PR time from last year.) I literally laughed out loud because it was so ridiculous. 

Yeah. So it wasn't in the cards. But 1) I didn't die. 2) The medals this year were real, big boy medals for the first time and 3) I get to eat all the calories back either way! So I can't really complain. All I have to say though is Portland better be 45 and overcast in October!

Movement.

I often find myself wanting to do too many things. This is nothing new. I spend a lot of nights staring at my Google calendar with squinty eyes trying to make it do things it surely can't. Like make room for more fun stuff I want to have happen.

I am aware that this is yet another one of my First World Problems.

Since I brought dance back into my life about six months ago I've been experiencing this to an even sharper degree. Right now I take a modern/contemporary dance class on Monday nights. This means I spend most of Monday afternoon staring at the clock impatiently and the hour after class in a sort of euphoric haze where I want to make out with the world. It feels SO GOOD.

Unlike Chicago, there isn't a huge modern dance scene in Milwaukee. This isn't all that surprising but it's frustrating for me as I would like to take class more than once a week and the studio I dance at only offers modern on Monday nights. (I could go into what 'modern' dance is as opposed to ballet or jazz but that would be a long, winded explanation right now. For now, just know that it's how I roll in the dance sphere.) Anyway, I wish the college dance programs here in Milwaukee opened their doors to community students like where I went to school back in the day. I want to give a major high five to the Dance Center of Columbia College Chicago for giving me the experience of taking class next to working dance professionals in the city.

I guess what I'm saying is that right now I'm existing on the fringes of the dance community here. It's little bit like the feeling I had when I first staring going to races. I was sort of circling around the outside of this unfamiliar world, trying to figure out how to be a part of it.  Fifteen years ago I was completely immersed in dance so it's a different feeling being on the outside of it looking in.

Maybe I'm being a complain-y-pants right now. I just really feel like I want to augment this area of my life and it's proving difficult to figure out how at the moment. I have the time. I'm pretty confident I still have the ability. I would love at some point to even get the chance to perform again. It's been a long time coming back around to this point but now that I'm here I feel like I want to run with it. If I could figure out how.

I suppose even if I just get to keep feeling the way I do after these classes, I should be happy. Because it's pretty brilliant.

Top O' The Mountain

If you’ve ever trained for a big race you know that there are both highs and lows. We’re not talking just mild little fluctuations either. There are HIGHS and there are LOWS. Personally, I have some days where my legs seem to float across the earth effortlessly as if was skimming over water. Then there are other days where my body feels so clunky and heavy that I start to question if previous race finishes were actually done by the same person.

Running is so much of a mental sport in addition to being incredibly physically demanding. It can be easy to forget those highs when we’re in the pits of despair. The trick is to know in your heart that even if you had a crappy run, a string of crappy runs, or even weeks of feeling uninspired about running, the pendulum always swings back the other direction eventually.

Sometimes the ol’ body needs a break. If you’re overtraining or not getting enough rest this can be your body’s way of saying HEY THERE! SLOW DOWN! Then again, sometimes it it’s just the ebb and flow of training. Say you’re at the peak of training for a long distance race. You’re going to be fatigued after weeks and months of building up. You should be! That’s why everyone looks forward to tapering into race day. I like to call it “standing at the top of the training mountain.” Sometimes it’s the biggest pain in the butt to reach that peak but man, is the view ever nice from the top.

So....This happened

Ava riding her bike with no training wheels! I let her ride to the park with her friends and then I promptly stalked them in the car. :)

Some Things I Have Learned in 34 Years

You can't make everyone happy.

No matter how hard you try, or how good you are, somebody is going to be disappointed in the decision you make. I've reached a point in my life where I'm ok with that. Related:

You won't like everyone and everyone won't like you.

I've put myself out there a lot in the past few years. For a long time I was wrapped up in family and babies and didn't really have a social life. Now that I have friends and a social circle and places to be other than at my kids' school or playgroups, I'm still kind of surprised and confused sometimes by the way people interact. I've come a long way with my social awkwardness though and I think a lot of it has to do with realizing that not everyone has to like me. I'm kind of annoying if you're not into running or sci fi television or artsy fartsy dance. The flip side is that I don't have to include people that aren't worth my time into my own life. Win.

Being immature is fun. So is returning to maturity again.

Running 197 miles across state lines with 11 friends in a couple of crudely decorated vans, making countless "That's What She Said" jokes and dancing to 1990s music was a highlight of last year for me. But I also love that I got to come home and be plain old mom again the next day. People count on me and although sometimes it can be a drag, I like being a grown-up overall.


Be grateful for everything you have. All the time.

Didn't you read my post from the other day? ;)


Fighting over politics isn't worth it.

I will still believe what I believe just as strongly whether or not I let myself get drawn into a virtual shouting match over some political issue via Facebook. Odds are, the person on the other side of the issue will feel continue to feel just as strongly too- in the opposite direction. These days I save my breath for talking to people who's minds still have the possibility of being changed. And if there's nobody left out there like that, I simply put my money where my mouth is, support the causes and people I believe in, and vote, vote, vote.


All that crap about remembering to use sunscreen? It's totally true.


Do what makes you happy. Ignore people who tell you it is dumb, harmful or a waste of time.

"Running long distances is bad for you. You shouldn't eat meat, or carbs, or sugar, or caffeine, or anything that doesn't grow from the earth. Don't drink wine or beer or margaritas. (Insert activity here) is the only real way to be fit. Blogging/Twitter/Social Media is dumb. Why would anybody ever spend their time doing (fill in the blank)."

Don't care, don't care, don't care. I'm old enough to know how my body responds to things. I'm also in pretty gosh darn good shape. And even with things outside of fitness, I know what makes me feel good and I know how I want to spend my time. I do some things you probably do yourself, but I also do a lot of things you probably would never do. That's cool. I'm not asking you to do them.


The idea of camping is awesome. But so is a super comfy hotel bed.


I'll say it again: Be happy.

Life is too short to waste time doing stuff you don't care about. If we're stuck here we might as well find out what makes us tick. Stop to smell the roses, scratch the surface, survey the landscape. We're all going to wake up one day and it will be almost over.


And when all else fails: Fish Face.

On Being Grateful

We just booked a trip to England and France at the end of June. I have never left the country before and I've always always fantasized about doing something like running through the English countryside and visiting the Tower of London. (The place Anne Boleyn was imprisoned and finally beheaded. I have a thing for English monarchs and scandal. What can I say?) The fact that we are bringing the girls with on this trip and they will get to experience such places at 8 and 11 years old kind of blows my mind.

I guess what I'm feeling is that I'm grateful to be able to do such things in my life. This summer Jason and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary and thinking back to 1997 it seems unfathomable that we would be in the place that we are now. Yes, we fully intended to still be together but back then I was used to a life in our Chicago apartment that we paid for with our student loan checks. I remember things like counting out all the money in my change jar so I could get on the bus to class, or sitting in the dark for hours because we blew a fuse and only the landlord was allowed the key to the basement to turn the lights back on. When Juliana was a few months old I have this memory of having to leave a full cart of groceries at the store because my credit card was declined. I picked her up out of the seat and bolted out the door, completely embarrassed.

We have been lucky in many ways to be in the position we are now. Things have been not-so-lucky too. We were able to buy our first home because my mom died and left me enough money that we could use for a down payment. If I could go back and live in that third floor walk up in Chicago with no lights and have her back would I do it? Without question. Does it mess with my mind a little bit sometimes? Indeed.

Jason has also been incredibly lucky in his career. But it's also more than just luck- he is pretty brilliant. Did I know this when I married a 19-year-old photography major? Of course I thought he was smart, creative and funny. I was also fully prepared to count out quarters from the change jar to buy Ramen noodles and take the bus wherever we needed to go indefinitely. I never thought about where we might be in 2012. (When we first got married, we didn't even think we'd ever have kids! Um.. oops.)

So this is me sitting here feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and frankly humbled by what I have in my life. Having a wonderful husband and two lovely daughters that are healthy and happy would be enough for me, but the fact that we get to share such incredible adventures together in this life has my head spinning.

Here's to 1997, two college kids getting hitched, and the great unknown.