Monday, January 6, 2014

Tired of Death

I'm pretty sure nobody is ever happy about death. However, the amount of death happening around me in the last few months feels like it has just reached a tipping point. My heart is sad for so many people in my life right now. I know there's nothing I can do except sit here and feel sort of... empty.

At the end of October my cousin died. He was 41 and he committed suicide. I didn't tell many people how he died- not because it was a secret, but only a couple people ever asked what happened so I just kept that fact to myself. Death is weird like that. In the same week I found out an old high school friend killed herself as well. She wasn't anyone I had kept in touch with after school, but these two deaths occurring so close together had me thinking/searching/reflecting about why some people end up feeling so lost while I'm lucky to have all these amazing, wonderful things in my life (my previous year end recap post being a case-in-point.)

Then on Christmas Day my grandpa died. This was different because he was 88 years old but still, it was unexpected. I put off calling him and my grandmother on Christmas Eve because I thought it would be better to call the next morning after they had opened the gifts I sent down to them in Florida. When I called in the morning my grandma told me that grandpa had a massive stroke the night before and died overnight. My brain tells me it's silly to beat myself up over something like this but my heart still feels sad about it. He requested for there be no funeral service. There wasn't even an obituary in the paper. My grandma will now be moving from Florida to Massachusetts to be near my uncle's family. (With my mom gone, it makes the most sense.) So... I guess that's that. Sometimes it feels like it didn't happen.

Today I found out that an old, dear friend of mine (and Jason's) just lost his lovely wife. She was only 30 years old and died of cardiac arrest due to fluid accumulating around her heart. The official cause of death is a mystery and the doctors have no explanation for it. We attended their wedding in New Mexico a little over 2 years ago and they had just purchased a beautiful home in the mountains there. My heart absolutely breaks for him right now.

I don't know why I'm posting about all of this. It's not well written or saying anything much other than I'm sad. And tired.

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