I rolled out of bed at 5:30AM today, my 35th birthday, looked in the bathroom mirror and actually found myself saying out loud, "Eh, not bad."
There are certainly worse things in the world than not looking your best, but in the grand scheme of things it's a really good feeling to be happy with who you are- at any age. Looking at my reflection this morning it wasn't even just about how I looked. Sure I've got an athletic figure, nice clear skin for the most part, and I've been having some pretty great hair days lately. But also I think about all the things I've accomplished in the past year, the steps I've taken towards being the grown up I've always wanted to be and I have to nod my head and say, "Not bad. In fact, pretty damn great."
The one thing I can for sure say about 2012 is that time moves utterly too fast for my liking. Seriously. Cut that crap out, Time. I feel as if the last sixteen years of my life can be grouped into four bundles. For example, last year was surely 2009. And the year before that was 2005, followed by '01. And four years ago was definitely 1997. By this math, next year Juliana will be about to start her senior year of high school and the year after that Jason and I will be retired and living in the south of France.
Wait, really? Maybe this isn't so bad after all!
So what were this year's highlights? I honestly am having a real problem recalling anything that happened before the Epic Summer of 2012- the summer that included our European Vacation and the 15th Anniversary Night of Shenanigans and Debauchery. (This "problem" I speak of is not really a problem at all. I realize this. But here I go, giving it the old college try.)
Year of the 50K:
The 50K emerged as my favorite distance to *not* race. I completed THREE of these suckers (as well as a 39.3 miler which I'm lumping in here.) What's great about these events is that I never worry about my pace or trying to beat a previous best. It's all about going the distance and enjoying the time out there- usually with friends, and especially if it's a trail run. Also, training for a 50K is pretty much like training for a marathon, without all the weird hype and pressure marathons tend to come packaged with. It's a nice change. Dance Like You Mean It
If 2011 was the year that I allowed dance back into my life, then 2012 was the year I stopped being scared of where it might take me. Despite a hiatus over the summer (while I trained for my longest race of the year) I was pretty diligent with my weekly classes through the winter, spring and most recent fall sessions. I also took a couple of advanced level master classes in June- in which I didn't make a fool of myself! And I even managed to screw up the courage to audition for the Danceworks Performance Company. No, I wasn't the person selected, but I'm pretty sure I held my own and would do it again in a heartbeat. I might not even cry on the way home from all the overwhelming feels next time. Missed Goals Aren't the End of the World
What did I just say about all the marathon having all kinds of weird hype and pressure? Case in point: I trained like mad to PR at the Rockford Marathon in May and then on race day it was approximately eleventy hundred degrees. By mile 18 I decided that a 3:55 marathon time was not worth severe dehydration or heatstroke and I started to walk. I finished 25 minutes after my goal time and I didn't die. The day was a win. I tried again to at least run a sub-4 in October at the Haunted Hustle Marathon and the course ended up being a half mile long, leaving me to finish in 4:02 with 26.7 miles on my Garmin. This race burned me up a little more since I finished in front of the 4-hour pace group and still missed my time, but in the grand scheme of things- IT'S ONLY RUNNING. We're darn lucky to be able to run marathons in the first place, be it in 3:55, 4:25 or 8:25. But Goals Achieved are Pretty Awesome Too: Deer Run PR, Half Marathon PR, 50 Mile Finish
Time for a few not-so-humble brags. I *did* run a PR in the 5K this year (21:57) as well as in the Half Marathon (1:44:40). I also finished a 50-mile race all by myself. So if there was any question about my toughness... Bing bang boom. OMG EUROPEAN VACATION
If I annoyed anyone with all our Europe trip photos on Facebook this summer, I apologize. Sort of. I mean, it was pretty amazing. Would you rather I be super ungrateful and ho-hum about traveling to London and Paris? I guess I could act like that but- LOOK! PICTURES! 15th Anniversary Party: Night of Shenanigans
We didn't have a fancy wedding. Not wanting to be engaged for a year just to wait for an open reception hall, so we got hitched on a Sunday night and had our party in a church basement. And because we were a wee nineteen years old, the two of us toasted with some sparkling grape juice instead of champagne. For years now I've wanted to throw a super fun anniversary party with all of our friends but it always seemed like it would be a) a lot of money and b) a lot of planning. This year, because Jason loves me (or something like that), we were able to throw a fantastic 15th anniversary shindig with family and friends, old and new. The photobooth from this event will live on forever. Also: whiskey cockails. The Girls and Their Continued Awesomeness
I literally just had to step away from the computer for a minute before writing this one. I feel like I've accomplished some pretty incredible things in my life, but nothing compares to these two. They continuously amaze me with their ever-changing, dynamic personalities and fill me with Mama Bear Pride as I see them developing more CONFIDENCE in themselves with each passing year. At nine and twelve years old I realize the most challenging years are still in front of us but I know in my heart everything will be ok because they are simply amazing little people. So, 2013. What do you hold? Obviously the race schedule on the side bar of this blog is quickly filling up already. I'm also looking forward to taking my love of fitness/movement/dance "to the streets" as I get my personal trainer certification and hopefully start teaching classes in the spring. And as always, I plan to eat all the food and travel all the travels that I can get my greedy paws on. 2013: Hit me with your best shot.
When it's suddenly 22 degrees outside and all I want to do is cocoon myself in a Snuggie and watch Law & Order SVU reruns instead of bundling up to go run 6 miles in the wind, or do sprints on the treadmill until my heart is beating out of my chest, or plow my way through another core strengthening workout-- I'll think about how I felt at this moment just a two months ago.
Juliana came home on the first day of school with a big yellow post-it note stuck to the top of the usual stack of papers that accompany the initial day back after summer break. It read: "SIGN UP FOR CROSS COUNTRY!"
At first I wasn't sure if it was some kind of joke. I mean, she pretty much spent the entire summer bed, on her bed playing Nintendo DS games, or talking about how she couldn't wait to go back to bed again. She participated in Girls on the Run a couple of years ago when I coached a team, but she never really expressed a lot of excitement for it. And I was totally fine with it. The last thing I want to be is the kind of mom who pushes my kids to do things they don't really want to do just because it's something I'm good at myself. But there it was scrawled in front of me plain as day. I guess I was signing her up for cross country. Let's go.
After the first couple of practices of her bursting in the door, face sweaty, big smile on her face and shouting "I FEEL AWESOME!" I finally asked her what made her change her mind about running. She replied something like this, "Well... I wanted to join a sport so I could be healthy and also... I need courage."
Basically she chose the thing she was scared of because she wanted to conquer it.
When I told Jason I was so proud of her for taking this approach and that I was relieved that it had nothing to do with the fact that I run a bajillion miles every week he said, "Of course it has nothing to do with you. She has her own world." Which sounds kind of jerky at first but really: IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.
Whoa. My kid has her own motivation and fears and goals that don't have anything to do with me at all.
This may sound strange but one of the things I'm constantly surprised by with parenting is how my children continue to evolve as their own personalities. I mean, when you have a baby or a toddler so much of them is wrapped up in what you do and how you interact with them. They are completley dependent on you and emulate you all day long. Gradually over time these same little people that learned everything they know about the word by watching your every step start to formulate their own ideas about things and although in reality it's a slow process there are times when it feels completely sudden like you're being punched in the face. I find myself thinking things like:
What do you mean you came up with that opinion all on your own? When did you become such a snarky/smart/astute observer of the world?
or
How did you become so awesome?
Taking it back to cross country. Juli is not a fast runner. At each meet so far she has been finishing somewhere a little after the middle of the pack. What is though is committed. And each time she crosses a finish line she does so with a little skip in her step and a WOO HOO! She runs with one of her best friends and they both complete the race with big smiles on their faces. It's fantastic.
Last week I was volunteering at a meet, directing the kids on the course at about the halfway point. I saw Juliana's usual running buddy come up the hill by herself and I was confused by the fact that they had separated. I wondered if Juli was feeling ok or if she had hurt herself. After a few minutes though I see her coming up the hill with another girl I didn't know who looked like she was struggling a bit. Jules was talking to her and saying "Almost there! You can do it!" as I snapped their photo:
Immediately after this, the cross country coach came up to me and gushed, "I'm so proud of Juliana. She's usually farther up in the pack but she stayed back to help T_____ so she wouldn't be alone."
I nodded my head and tried to form words in response.
I don't remember a time or place where I specifically taught her to do something like this but here she was being completely thoughtful and supportive and incredible for no reason other than she thought it was the right thing to do. The fact that things like this come out of my own kid- I don't even have the words to describe it. When everyone had finished she went up to every member of her team to congratulate them, and give them a high five or a hug. There was a boy who was upset that he had missed a medal and she said, "So what? You did amazing! I got 127th place and I feel great!"
Seasons are changing. Back to school's a-happening. Schedules are filling up with classes, projects and volunteer work (for both me and the girls) faster than I can update my calendar. I'm contemplating what I want to do with my time- or my life in general- this school year and OH YEAH, my second 50-miler is in less than ten days. I'm lamenting what I didn't get done this summer but at the same time I've already starting putting things on the calendar in 2013.
Hold. the. phone. What is it that drives us to be busy busy busy all the freaking time?
Many things I want to do. For real. Searching for new races always makes me feel like I'm downing a cocktail of pure giddy with a splash of steely determination. It puts me in a kind of HULKSMASH sort of mood. But one where the Hulk is bouncing around excitedly in a cute outfit.
On the flip side though, because I have the luxury to TRAIN for crazy-super-ultra-marathon events with a more flexible schedule (due to the fact that I'm a mom to kids who are pretty darn self-sufficient for the most part) I feel a little guilty when I want to be lazy. I know so many people who bust their asses every day and the last thing I want to do is be some kind of privileged, spoiled brat-lady. So instead I'm constantly trying to be productive- whether it's with volunteer work, housework, projects, family obligations...you name it. I mean, I got to go TO EUROPE this summer and then celebrate our anniversary with a boozy blowout hootenanny with all of our friends and family. The least I can do is keep on top of my regular to-do list without whining right?
But I'm whining whiner. Who admittedly could probably do with punch in the face, but other times maybe I do need to give myself a break.
There'a line I like to quote from a little 1990s Steve Martin movie called "Mixed Nuts." In on scene Adam Sandler's character plays a song on his ukulele and then trails off at the end, stating: "It's a work in progress. It may never be finished."
That's me. I'm a work in progress. I may never be finished. And I need to be (more) ok with that.
I'm a mom, runner, dancer, and general fitness enthusiast living in Milwaukee with two daughters and a husband who looks like an 1890s prospector. I love all things related to Buffy, Doctor Who, red wine, Jon Stewart, and the land of snark. I am very liberal. Somebody once told me they laughed at every "thick-headed imperviousness thought" that passed through my head. This made me want to wrap my arms around the internet and give it a big, wet, kiss.
You can now find all my babbling about running at my other blog:
